How I Stopped Saying ‘Should’ and Eliminated Parent Guilt
I was talking to my yoga teacher at the end of class last week and she mentioned that making sushi rolls could be a fantastic activity to do with my kids.
I said: ‘yes, I should do that’.
She immediately replied, ‘don’t say should; it invites guilt.’
Hmmm, should = guilt. Simple, yet powerful!
Making sushi rolls might be an ordinary part of family routine for others, but for us, it would mean buying new ingredients, learning how to make them, and then finding time to do so together… Combined with all our other family responsibilities, it felt like too much for me. Then, I did start feeling guilty because sushi rolls are a healthy food and I have no doubt my kids would enjoy both making the rolls and spending time together as a family. This guilt was amplified by the pesky voice in my head telling me that Sally seems to find time to work, volunteer, exercise, take her family on holiday, and bake fresh cookies on a Sunday.
Everyone else seems to be spending wholesome time with their families!
This made me think about how often I compare myself to other working parents and feel guilt.
I should spend more time playing with my kids.
I should bake more often.
I should make those photo albums I’ve been planning for years.
My kids should be doing more extra-curricular activities (or, less).
I should insist that my kids eat more vegetables.
Whenever I say ‘should’ I feel guilty that I am not doing enough, or not measuring up to societal values of being a ‘good’ mum.
Interestingly, there is a lot of academic research focused on parenting guilt. Researchers at the Queensland University of Technology investigated potential predictors of guilt, specifically ‘work-interfering-with-family guilt’. One of their findings was that ‘younger mothers, those who study, and those working fewer hours reported more guilt’ (Maclean, Andrew and Eivers 2021:1). This supports the idea that we put huge pressure on ourselves to ‘do it all’ and if we feel like we’re not doing enough in a particular area, we’re failing in our role as parents.
Sound familiar?
Well, the good news is that there is one simple way you can reduce guilt.
Just as my yoga teacher said, eliminate ‘should’ from your vocabulary.
Since our conversation, I have been consciously stopping myself from saying ‘should’ (either out loud, or in my head).
So, instead of saying ‘I should make sushi rolls with the kids’ I could say ‘that’s a great idea but I don’t have time for it now.’ I’m not setting myself up for failure or feelings of inadequacy.
Alternatively, if I genuinely want to make sushi rolls with the kids, I could say ‘I will make time to do that because it’s important to me.’ This means that I’ve made a positive commitment to action, rather than defeating myself from the beginning.
Generally, being positive and valuing our time and achievements without trying to measure up to social norms is better for our wellbeing.
I haven’t completely eliminated ‘should’ from my vocabulary, but I make a conscious effort to replace it with ‘will’ or ‘will not’ as often as I can. It’s a small change that takes commitment, but it’s already made a difference to how I feel about my abilities as a parent (and a human).
Now, I’m (mostly) free from parenting guilt, and I am careful not to fall into comparison mode.
Reference
Maclean EI, Andrew, B and Eivers A (2021) ‘The Motherload: Predicting Experiences of Work-Interfering-with-Family Guilt in Working Mothers’, J Child Fam Stud 30: 169–181, https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-020-01852-9
